


The Lies Kurt Hummel Told

by patchfire



Category: Glee
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-05
Updated: 2013-12-05
Packaged: 2018-01-03 12:56:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1070705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patchfire/pseuds/patchfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The lies Kurt told over the years, until the lies were too much. UA in some parts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Lies Kurt Hummel Told

**Author's Note:**

> This started because I was thinking about Kurt's declaration about porn in 'Sexy' and snowballed. Some parts are clearly slight UAs, but I tried to sandwich it in with canon as much as possible.

1\. Sexy

Kurt never stopped to consider that his lack of romantic life was his own fault. There weren’t many (out) gay teenagers in western Ohio, after all, and that had seemed enough of an explanation. Enough of an explanation that he didn’t consider that he might not be sexy. That he might not be desirable. That he might not be good enough, even when he finds another gay teenage boy. 

But Blaine is clear, and before Kurt can stop himself, he’s stammering out lines about romance, the touch of fingertips, and a ridiculous story about why he’s never watched porn. None of it’s true. He’s going to have to remember to clear his browser history again and make sure he doesn’t have any hard copies of anything. It makes him sound like a blushing, stammering idiot who’s never jerked off, who’s never looked at a half-naked man, but it makes Blaine seem sympathetic. 

The problem is that in that moment, Kurt never considered what would happen if he and Blaine were to get together. He has to keep up the pretense. He has to act reluctant to have sex, but it’s not as hard as he’d think, because Blaine doesn’t seem terribly interested, either. Maybe Kurt was right at first. He’s just not desirable. It’s better he lied. Better to keep lying than to confirm it. 

 

2\. Virginity

Kurt loves his dad, but the sex talk is too little, too late. The summer institute between sophomore and junior years was going to look good on Kurt’s college applications, and the three weeks at Oberlin had been more than enough time for Kurt to indulge himself with the other out gay boy there. Unfortunately, Jared had lived in Delaware, and so they knew from the beginning it was going to be merely physical. 

It was an accident of being the only option for each other, not great physical attraction, at least not on Kurt’s part and probably not on Jared’s part, either, but it meant Kurt had a little experience under his belt. The one thing they’d agreed on was no kissing. Of course, that had gone out the window later, with everything with Karofsky, but it had been a comfortable line that summer. 

The truth is, Kurt knows far more than any of the pamphlets his dad gives him, and he escapes as quickly as he can, desperate not to give anything away. He can’t imagine his dad’s reaction if he knew. A few months later, he lies again, because he can’t imagine Blaine’s reaction if _he_ knew. Blaine’s perception of Kurt is so wrapped up in an idea of Kurt being ‘innocent’ and ‘pure’, and Kurt doesn’t know that he can ever challenge that. 

 

3\. Dancing

The roles were set. Not right away, but within the first lead up to Sectionals, and Kurt had never bothered to correct anyone. He wasn’t a bad dancer, but he wasn’t considered one of the best in New Directions. He didn’t mention dance lessons that he’d taken, because none of them knew about it. He toned it down just enough that he didn’t stand out. He was competent, far better than some of the members, but unnoticed. 

At Dalton, it had been unnecessary. The ‘dancing’ the Warblers did was so far from the type of dancing Kurt does that it had taken Kurt a week to adapt to it. No one ever looked at him and suspected more. He never mentioned it to Blaine while Kurt was at Dalton. Blaine didn’t see Kurt performing at McKinley the remainder of that school year. 

Somehow, Kurt had hidden it well enough and relied on a few moves often enough that he ends up at the extra dance rehearsals. Kurt still doesn’t say anything. He keeps not saying anything right up to the point that his dancing is complimented at NYADA and he reflexively says he’s not much of a dancer. He’s not even with Blaine anymore, he’s not around anyone from McKinley at that moment, and he realizes a few hours later that he’s internalized his own lie. 

 

4\. Tiaras

Kurt had never thought the line about his tiara collection would be something that anyone really _heard_. His friendship with Mercedes had been so new at the time that he had been willing to make up an excuse so she wouldn’t dwell on the events of the previous week. It had worked. 

It had worked too well. 

By the time the second half of his senior year comes around, Kurt considers spending a hundred dollars to find some tiaras online, because almost every member of New Directions has asked to see them. Mercedes had told Blaine early on, and Blaine whines about not having seen the ‘precious tiaras’ at least once a month. Kurt doesn’t know how to hide the complete lack of a tiara collection unless he says that they are still in Lima to the people in New York, and just hopes no one in Lima notices there’s not enough things left in Lima to include a box of tiaras. 

The only person who has seemed to catch on, in fact, is Finn, who snorts or laughs every time the tiara collection is brought up. If anyone asks why, he always waves it off, and Kurt makes a mental note to make sure his brother’s graduation present is as excellent as possible. 

 

5\. Fashion 

“This is Marc Jacobs’ new collection!” It’s not, but none of them would know that. It’s a cheap knockoff, a good facsimile, just like almost all of Kurt’s clothes. What he can’t find an imitation of, he sews himself. 

He’s so good at it, in fact, that even after he meets Blaine, Blaine doesn’t suspect. Blaine who has money to spend on full price clothes at expensive stores, and Kurt panics the first time he takes off any clothing around Blaine, because of the labels—or lack thereof. He quickly decides to be fussy about his clothes, demanding that _he_ fold them neatly when they get undressed. 

It makes the entire process less sexy, but it isn’t like Blaine ever protests. 

 

6\. Performing Arts 

If anyone had asked Kurt during his sophomore year—which they didn’t—what he wanted to study in college, he would have answered French. French, at a good liberal arts college, and he would decide while in college what he wanted to study in grad school. No one asked junior year, either, which in retrospect, Kurt knows someone should have. 

By the summer after junior year, Kurt gets caught up in the excitement coming from both Blaine and Rachel, and before he quite realizes it, _all_ of his hopes are pinned on NYADA and performing. He’s caught up in it, and competing with Rachel, that he’s halfway through his first semester at NYADA before he realizes he’s not even sure what he’s doing. He likes NYADA. He likes Vogue.com. He likes a lot of things, but suddenly Kurt feels trapped. 

 

7\. Safe

Kurt knows his dad wants him to feel safe. He wants Kurt to be reassured after his mom dies, that Burt will be there, and Kurt lies, tells Burt that yes, he feels safe. He lies again about McKinley, about glee club, and about Burt himself after Burt’s heart attack. 

By the time Kurt transfers to Dalton, he feels safer, at least, then he did at McKinley, so it feels like less of a lie. Feeling safer isn’t the same as feeling safe, but Kurt thinks that maybe he’s the person who doesn’t get to feel safe. When he transfers back to McKinley, he says he feels safe, and it’s not a horrible lie. He feels just as safe as he did at Dalton, and safer than he did when he left McKinley in the fall. 

He never really feels safer or more secure. It is, Kurt figures, as good as it is going to get, and when Blaine proposes, some small part of him thinks that maybe the ring on his finger would make him feel safer. It does, for about an hour. Then Kurt realizes that it’s a physical manifestation of everything, all the lies, and the ring starts to feel more like a shackle. 

 

8\. The Wedding 

Kurt doesn’t actually enjoy planning his wedding, but everyone tells him how excited he must be. Everyone assumes he wants to do nothing _but_ plan the wedding, nothing but fantasize about the day he wakes up and marries Blaine. Kurt plans the wedding as quickly as possible and with as little fuss as possible, then starts claiming he needs total privacy for ‘wedding planning’. It works. It works, because he uses that time to forget about the wedding, forget about all the things that feel wrong in his life, and he keeps lying to himself right up to the day of the wedding. 

Blaine insists on a ‘traditional Christian ceremony’, which is something Kurt would have fought him on, if he’d cared about the wedding more. They’re standing in front of everyone, and the minister— _minister_ —turns to Kurt first, telling him to repeat after him. 

“I, Kurt, take you, Blaine,” the minister begins. 

“I, Kurt, take you, Blaine,” Kurt parrots woodenly. 

The minister prompts the next line. “To be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold.”

“To be my lawfully wedded—” Kurt cuts himself off, and he stares at Blaine. 

“Kurt?” Blaine whispers. “Go on.”

“No.”

“What?” Blaine looks shocked.

“No,” Kurt says, more loudly. “No. I don’t want to marry you.” He takes a deep breath and turns towards everyone in the church. “I have a few things to say.” 

“Kurt! Stop this!” Blaine hisses. 

“I took dance lessons for years, through middle school. I don’t have a tiara collection.” 

Finn is the first one to react. “I knew it!” 

Kurt gives him a very small smile and continues. “I’ve never owned a single authentic piece of any Marc Jacobs collection. I like porn, especially college jocks.” He shrugs a little at the expressions on everyone’s faces. “I don’t actually want to be on Broadway _or_ work in fashion, and I wasn’t a virgin, Blaine. I wasn’t even a virgin when Dad tried to have ‘the talk’ with me.” 

“Kurt, why are you saying all of this?” Blaine asks in a harsh whisper. 

“Because, Blaine,” Kurt says, making sure to project as he turns to face Blaine again. He slides his engagement ring off his finger, and he holds it, along with Blaine’s wedding ring, out in front of him. “I don’t want to marry you. You don’t make me feel safe.” Blaine’s hand opens, probably automatically, and Kurt drops the rings into Blaine’s hand with a clink. “I’m not in love with you, and I’m not marrying you. I’m done lying.” 

With that, Kurt walks to the back of the room, out the doors and onto the street, and hails a cab. He steps into a cab just as the doors behind him open, people running after him, and he sits back in the cab with a sigh, relieved he has his wallet and keys. 

“Where to?” the cabbie asks. 

Kurt lets out a low, humorless laugh. “I don’t know,” he answers, the honesty of it feeling strange and wonderful at the same time. “Anywhere but here.”


End file.
